Welcome to the second edition of the college football report card in 2021. This is where you will find a more light-hearted look at each weekend in college football, and grades are handed out where it’s deemed appropriate.
There is no grading on a curve here, so failing marks have zero chance for being reversed and passing ones are handed out less frequently. (Emails and complaint tweets will be deleted).
Last week’s underachievers included SMU’s pathetic flag-planting shenanigans and Wisconsin students and the continued lameness of “Jump Around” at football games, with the highest grade possible for a ref’s Skittles snack break.
So here is the Week 5 analysis of how fans, teams, players and coaches fared:
One-man offensive line
Teams have deployed extra-large bodies when they approach the end zone to get added push against the defense so backs have an easier time scoring.
On Saturday, Georgia did just that on their first possession against Arkansas. Defensive lineman Jalen Carter, who is listed at 6-3, 310 pounds, got the call at fullback and proceeded to destroy THREE Razorback defenders as Zamir White plunged in from 3 yards out.
Truth be told, the other offensive linemen could have just stayed on the sidelines for this one and let Carter handle it. He receives high scores for the block as Georgia toyed with Arkansas all day in a 37-0 rout.
Jukebox turned off temporarily: Extra credit
Popcorn gone stale
This is nothing new. We have seen this movie and its sequels thousands of times. The anticipation for Alabama’s game against Ole Miss was at a fever pitch as pundits actually thought the Rebels had a chance.
Lane Kiffin, who is college football’s resident quote machine, was back at it again for some reason.
Kiffin told people to “get your popcorn ready” before the game, perhaps to anyone who would listen as if he was looking to channel Terrell Owens. He needs better material.
Like clockwork, the Rebels went into Tuscaloosa and were manhandled like a rag doll, losing 42-21 in a game that wasn’t even that close.
Heisman Trophy race: Bryce Young’s performance against Ole Miss, Matt Corral puts him in driver’s seat
The only popcorn people were enjoying came from the Alabama fans who spent another breezy Saturday sitting in the stands watching the Tide win – and also mascot Big Al. He seemed to be enjoying his popcorn. .
Talking without saying much: F
Floppin’ in the rain
There wasn’t much fanfare leading up the Purdue-Minnesota game except that it was played in a downpour.
Cheerleaders had a hard enough time getting the drenched Ross-Ade Stadium crowd hyped, but one Purdue cheerleader tried her damnedest. She did a hell of a bellyflop, splashing down to the ground next to her fellow cheerleaders and Purdue Pete, the school’s terrifying looking mascot.
The cheerleader earns high scores from the American judge in a gold-medal winning performance.
Oh by the way, Purdue lost the game 20-13.
Flopping better than NBA players: A+
Fumble, fumblaya, fumblerooski
Perhaps there is nothing better than getting a comedy show while you are also attending a college football game.
Enter South Carolina and Troy, a game that absolutely no one had circled on the calendar.
Still, the fans got a show in the fourth quarter. Here is how the fun began: Troy quarterback Taylor Powell was leveled after he dropped back to throw and fumbled. A South Carolina lineman picked up the ball, but his chance for Big Man glory was fumbled away as well.
Here comes South Carolina defensive back Jahmar Brown, who picked up the ball and was on his way to an easy scoop-and-score, but he wanted some camera time and tossed the ball in the air before crossing the goal line.
The ball went though the back of the end zone for a touchback, turning the ball back over to Troy.
South Carolina’s Jahmar Brown appeared to return this fumble for a touchdown. But he tossed the ball up before he scored. Touchback.
Troy takes over pic.twitter.com/77GRa1OHRG
— Pickswise (@Pickswise) October 2, 2021
Bad execution all around on this one and cue up Yakety Sax for good measure.
Benny Hill wannabes: D+
Streakin’ to the county jail
Streakers have been part of sports since … well, the beginning of sports. This week’s idiot, who must like being tackled and possibly spending time in jail, practiced his juke moves on the blue turf during Boise State’s game against Nevada
The fan did a nice job of eluding security, even causing one security guard to fall flat on his face. But of course, all good things must come to an end and this circus was put to a halt near midfield to he was corralled by the security staff amid cheering from the home crowd.
Too bad the team couldn’t rally around the fan as the Broncos lost 41-31, dropping them to 2-3 on the season.
Special mention: Hamm … it’s what’s for dinner.
This week’s special mention and NIL update comes from the Plains. Auburn offensive lineman Brodarious Hamm racked up a name, image and likeness deal with LoMelo’s Meat Market, based in Miami, Florida. Now that’s what you call protein for days.
Hamm, a senior who starts at right tackle for the Tigers, was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s lymphoma in February 2016. Nice pickup for the young man.